A Foundation: BDSM and Kink

(Trigger warning: BDSM and Kink can be an uncomfortable topic for a lot of people, and while I seek to erase a lot of the preconceived ideas and misunderstandings about both, I know that it can be difficult for some to stomach. At the start of every topic on this blog that will involve BDSM and Kink I will leave a similar warning, so read on at your discretion!)

You know the drill. Let’s jump right in!

BDSM stands for Bondage, Dominance and Discipline, Submission and Sadism, and Masochism. We’re going to break this down word by word, some of which you may already be pretty familiar with! Others you might not know too well! And more still that you might learn something new about! Let’s get to it…

Bondage

Bondage is where a lot of people begin when discovering and entering the world of BDSM and Kink. Bondage, to keep it simple, is the act of restraining a partner or being restrained; restraining one’s movement (for example, tying someone to the headboard, so their hands can’t move), restraining one’s ability to communicate in some way (for example, covering your partner’s mouth or having your mouth covered by a gag or mask), some people even engage in mental bondage (for example, ordering your partner to hold still or else).

There are tons of ways to practice bondage and tons of tools for bondage as well. Commonly, people will use Japanese silk rope for bondage play, as it’s inexpensive, easily manipulated, comes in many colors, and is soft on the skin. Some people prefer sturdier ropes to prevent fraying or to create a rougher feeling on the skin. You can use chains, scarves, clothing, bed sheets, wires, handcuffs, wraps, and a bazillion other things to tie up your partner and be tied up. But, please note: Some materials can be dangerous because they may restrict blood flow, bruise or scrape the skin, leave burns on the skin, or be uncomfortable for the person being tied up. Always check in with your partner before, during, and after, and look for warning signs of poor blood circulation like cold, pale extremities, feelings of numbness or tingling, and weakness in the extremities.

Often bondage is used as a type of power play (we’ll get into that more talking about Dominance and Submission), but it can also be used as a catharsis for the people involved even without such dynamics. It can be both sexual and non-sexual, and it can even be used as a form of art, often called Shibari, which can involve suspension, many layers of rope, and even body paint.

Commonly, you’ll hear people who engage in bondage being called Riggers and Rope Bunnies (or sometimes just Bunnies). Rigger refers to the person doing the tying up or restraining, and Rope Bunny refers to the person who likes to be tied up or restrained. Again, this can involve some kind of power play or dom/sub dynamic, but not always.

Dominance

Dominance in BDSM is made in reference to a common BDSM practice called Power Play or Power Dynamic(s). Power Play and Dynamic is a type of partnership created between kinky people, where one person assumes control and another gives up control. There’s many layers here and tons of ways to create a Power Dynamic between people. Some relationships are long-term, some are very short-term, others are only between two people, and some are between dozens! The specifics of a Dynamic are up to the people engaging in it.

Dominance, then, is the act of taking control. You’ll more often hear the term Dominant in most Kink circles, and as you might guess, a Dominant is someone who has Dominance. Dominants can be under many names; Dominant, Dom, Domme (pronounced the same as Dom, but for female-identifying or non-binary Dominants), Dominatrix, Daddy, Mommy, Care Giver (CG for short), Master, Mistress, Rigger, and so many more. I’ll stick to Dom in reference to Dominates for now.

Often the Dom will be the who sets up a space to do the BDSM scene, the one who will make sure everything is ready to go for whatever they and their partner(s) have already planned to do. The Dom will then be the leader of the scene, making sure their partner is safe, happy, healthy, and eager to continue. Important to note that a Dom is not completely in control and should never force someone to continue doing something when they do not want to, push someone beyond limits without consent, or decide when a scene should abruptly stop or start without consent or the use of a Safeword.

Discipline

Discipline is also a part of the broader subject of Power Play, and is simply the act of disciplining a partner, either sexually or not, as part of a BDSM scene. Discipline can also be part of a partner learning their Dom’s rules. Some people even commit to 24/7 Power Exchanges, in which case Discipline can be a 24/7 endeavor.

Submission

Submission is the act of conceding control or responsibility, and a Submissive is the person in a BDSM Power Dynamic who gives up control to a Dom. Just like Dominants, Submissives have a lot of titles in the Kink community; Sub, Little, Little Boy, Little Girl, Slave, Boy, Girl, Prince, Princess, Rope Bunny, Pup or Puppy, Kitten or Kitty, and so many many more. I’ll be using Sub as the shorthand for now.

Subs are often the ones who are led through a scene. They are often ordered in some way by their Dom to complete certain tasks, follow certain rules, and give up some of their responsibility to their Dom. Of course, a Sub is not completely at the mercy of their Dom. Subs are always allowed to stop a scene if they need to, either due to emotional discomfort or physical, and they are always a part of the negotiation about what will be happing in a scene beforehand.

Sadism

You’ve probably heard of the term Sadist before. It’s often a word used to describe someone who is mean and a bully, but in the Kink world, a Sadist is just someone who gets pleasure from inflicting pain on someone else. It can sound intimidating and maybe a bit horrific to some people who aren’t running in Kink circles or the side of Kink which involves the infliction of pain, but Sadists are not evil or abusive, as their partners are fully consenting to having pain inflicted upon them. Sadism can have some crossover with Dominance, but not always.

Masochism

A Masochist is someone who gets pleasure from having pain inflicted upon them, which makes them a perfect match for a Sadist. Masochists are sometimes seen as victims or are stereotyped as people who have been abused or want to be abused, but in the Kink world, this is simply not the case. The feeling of pain can bring on a rush of endorphins and feel-good hormones for some people, and being smacked with an open hand can feel just as good as a tender backrub for some. Opposite to Sadists, Masochists will often take on a Submissive role in a Dynamic, but again, not always.

So there we have it, that’s what BDSM means! But hold on, what about Kink? What’s that?

Kink

You’ve probably heard the term Kink and Fetish used interchangeably in your life, and you also probably have some preconceived notions about what each is and what Kink means what, but there’s a lot of misconception involving these words, so let’s break it down. In the most simple of terms:

A Kink is a non-conventional sexual practice or fantasy.

A Fetish is a sexual desire linked to an object, body part, or very specific act.

Some examples of a Kink would be Bondage Play, Master/Slave Dynamics, Orgasm control/denial, and so much more.

Some examples of Fetishes might be an amputee fetish or a foot fetish (the most common fetishes out there!) Often Fetishes will have -philia attached to their Latin names, for example, Sitophilia, the sexual arousal from food. While Kink is considered a key aspect of BDSM for most people both in and out of the community, Fetishes are not, though they can combine and interact with each other in many ways.

Most people who engage in BDSM refer to themselves as being Kinky or as a Kinkster. This is simply a way to declare a sort of sexual deviancy or the desire to engage in non-conventional sexual acts, though it’s worth noting that not all people use those terms, and some people might engage in BDSM in a completely non-sexual way.

So there we have it! A foundation for BDSM and Kink. Of course there’s tons more to say about it, and tons more to learn, so stay tuned for more info about different aspects of BDSM! Next post will be coming up August 15th! I’ll see you then.